Imagine how good you
would feel….
If
only you could make small talk;
If you could learn to ask for what you want?
“We
are “adult children” because although we are old enough
in years to be called adults, we are young enough
emotionally to be called children.
Our growing has been disrupted because we came
from profoundly troubled families.”
Janet Woititz
This
morning my friend Susie was saying “I have always
thought because I didn’t go to kindergarten I had never
learned to make “small talk”—in fact I hate small talk.
People in the grocery line are making small
talk, in the bank line, at weddings and funerals.
I never realized it was a skill I had not learned
growing up.
My sibs seemed to have this skill—how did they learn it
when they grew up in the same household I did.
(These
skills are usually learned from our parents.)
But Susie says she was shy.
Oh, I’m OK
talking with people one on one especially if I know them
but in groups what other say seems so good or important
and I think I may not add much to the conversation—so I
don’t say anything.”
There are many Susie’s or ACOAs out there and the good
news it is not too late to learn the skills of making
contact with people but it helps to know what the skills
are.
Start with someone you are sitting next to at a program,
on the bus, standing in line, etc. and say how you feel
about the program, the weather or having to wait in line
and next ask a question or their opinion which will
invite them into a conversation.
By being pro-active you begin to get some of the
things you want rather than waiting for someone to come
up to you.
Write down some of the great things that have happened
to you and if you initiated or someone else did.
Yes, it is difficult if you are shy or if you
grew up with the “should” word or it isn’t ladylike or
polite or nice to appear forward.
Pro-active?
Most girls didn’t learn that word, maybe the boys
did though.
Did you ever wonder where “should, polite or nice” came
from or what the ‘rule’ implied?
Maybe from our parents or a teacher or some other
authority figure.
(We need to sort through some of the ‘words’ we grew up with and adapt
them to our own definitions.)
We can tell ourselves:
Hmm, it was just their opinion—I don’t believe
I’ve seen it cast in stone anywhere.
Also, we’re grownups now and we can choose what
and how we would like to respond to some of those old
messages we received.
What
is the worst thing that can happen if I speak up?
Whether it is to practice a new skill making
small talk or asking for something that I want.
Oh, they might not respond or walk away or they
may be friendly or I may get what I want. No matter how
it turns out—I can feel good that I made the attempt at
practicing the new skills.
To
practice, let’s make an Action Plan:
Practice giving one person a smile.
Try it for a week.
Practice giving two people a smile for a week.
Practice giving three people a smile for a week.
You
do not have to start a conversation—only a smile.
Write it down in your planner so you’re
sure to do it. Write how you felt afterward.
Reward
yourself with something you want.
It does not matter how the other person responds
to you—what’s important is you followed through with
practicing your new skill.
You will feel more confident as you complete each
week.
Next, using the above format, you start a conversation
by asking an inviting question—how, what, where, when
type questions. These will initiate more conversation
than a question that gives you a yes or no answer.
Of course, don’t be intrusive, just interested.
Learning these skills takes time, practice,
perseverance and willingness to learn how to do small
talk and eventually asking for what you want.
“Between stimulus and response, there is
a space. In
that space lies our freedom and power to choose our
response. In
our response lies our growth and freedom.”
Victor Frankle
Sending
you my best,
Sheila
Please pass this along to others who may appreciate it!
If you run a spam checking program on your computer,
please add empoweringacoa.com to your list of
approved senders.
Please do not reply to this message. It is sent through
an automated system and will not be received.
We don’t spam or give
your personal information to third-parties – ever! |
