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Growing Up With Family Rules--Adult Children of Alcoholics
Newsletter Recently I was talking with a friend about if our
insides match our outsides and it took me back to when I worked with
ACOA’s at the Addiction Treatment Center. I had a favorite pamphlet
by Robert Subby where he described in a drawing with two figures one
inside of the other how growing up with alcoholism caused
codependency, which is a loss of one’s true self. Of course through
the years we now know that others can become codependent if they
grow up in a high stress home or where there are rigid rules and
roles. I am not fond of the label of codependency because the word
was so misused in the 80’s, so I usually refer to this phenomenon as
ACOA characteristics.
I tried to find that pamphlet and of course in the process of moving
and downsizing some of my multiple books, etc. it could not be
found. I was successful in finding Robert Subby’s book Lost in
the Shuffle, the Co-dependent Reality. In the book I found the
drawing describing how we loose our true self when we live by a
rigid set of rules. The figure showed one outline of a figure inside
the figure of another and how the figure inside began to shrink as
the person lived by another’s set of “rules.” When we were children
this is just the way it was and we didn’t have any choices.
Subby’s book lists 10 rules: “ It’s not okay to talk about
problems; it’s not okay to talk about or express our feelings
openly; communication is best if indirect, with something or someone
acting as messenger between two other people. This is called
triangulation; unrealistic expectations—always be strong, always be
good, always be perfect, always be happy; don’t be selfish; do as I
say, not as I do; it’s not okay to play or be playful; don’t rock
the boat; and don’t talk about sex.
Some more rules. “Don’t air your dirty laundry, only express
positive feelings or I’ll give you something to cry about, go tell
your father/mother such and such for me, put a smile on your face,
just be good, also look good, what would people think, I’m the adult
and just do as I say, don’t upset your mother/father, don’t talk,
trust, or feel, don’t make so much noise, act like a lady/gentleman,
can’t you be more like_____, or you’re just like uncle Harry.” The
rules contradicted what you were feeling on the inside and you
learned to get along in this family you needed to follow the rules.
Is it any wonder you struggle with intimacy, talking about your
feelings, trusting others or yourself, having a smile on your face
when you may be feeling sad or angry. Were you taught how to problem
solve, how to handle your anger appropriately, how to have open
communication without walking on eggshells? Are you comfortable with
your own sexuality?
These rules don’t leave any room to just be yourself. You are trying
to live up to someone else’s expectations. Sometimes these
expectations are spoken and sometimes not. ACOA’s try to live up to
the rules most of their lives—until they can no longer do so.
Sometimes this can lead to using substances or behaviors such as
food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work or busyness in trying to cope with
these unrealistic expectations. Some people have become addicted in
the process and eventually get into 12 Step recovery programs. In
dealing with the emotional recovery ACOA’s may find abstinence or
sobriety increases the anxiety, fear, shame that were covered up
when using. This opens up the feelings that are no longer covered-up
or numbed with self medicating. The pain can be intense as you
become aware of the “rules” you grew up with and realize you have
lost your authentic self somewhere along the way. Not having grown
up with the nuturing, acceptance and encouragement to be who you
were born to be, you can now begin to give yourself permission to
examine these “rules” and to choose your own values and how to live
your life.
I would sometimes joke in the ACOA group—we spend the first 20 years
of our life trying to get the “rules” right and we spend the rest of
our years trying to let go of these “rules” so we can live being
true to our selves. As Shakespeare said “To Thy Own Self Be True.”
These “rules” are passed from one generation to another—not through
genetics but through watching and learning from our care takers. No
one is at fault as everyone thinks this is just the way things are.
Subby says “As a child I had been the victim of whatever
shortcomings my parents might have had, but as an adult I had become
a volunteer.” As an adult it is difficult to realize I can no longer
blame them as it is I who carries this inside of me and no one can
do my work for me to make these changes. It is only when one’s
awareness is awakened and to realize there are choices and one can
decide how you want your life to be different than what you grew up
with. Only then does one begin to change the “rules.” There is no
easy, quick way to accomplish this and trying to do it on your own
is difficult.
Some choose to use a 12-step group, an ACOA therapy group, a support
group, a therapist or a coach. Being with people that understand and
can support the change will make this transition easier than trying
to do it on your own. Recovery is a process and requires tenacity,
courage and patience. No one can do this work for you, only you can
decide what you want your life to be.
The hope lies in taking responsibility for your own life, making
changes so the figures in Subby’s drawing can merge and you become
one with yourself.
I wish you well on your journey—it will be worth the challenge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visit Sheila's website
www.empoweringacoa.com [or copy/paste
this into your browser www.empoweringacoa.com]
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