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Is control an issue in
your relationships?
I was
talking with a friend the other day and she said “I
don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. It
doesn’t seem to matter if it’s a friend, a co-worker, a
family member or my latest boyfriend. It always ends up
the same. Like just the other day I was meeting a
friend for lunch and when I got there—she said another
mutual friend was joining us. I was so mad I just
got up and left. I’m thinking [why did she ask her
to come when I was planning on having this great
conversation just the two of us?]”
Although she is unaware of it, like most adult children
of alcoholics, control is an issue for her in her
relationships. Perhaps it is an issue for you too.
At work, you may be told you’re controlling and
inflexible and lack spontaneity. In relationships
you may want your own way or it may be difficult for you
to give and take. Family members may call you
controlling and rigid. You may believe you are not like
this, but you may come across that way to others.
You really aren’t any of these things. Rather you
are afraid of losing control of your life or who you
are. Any time you need to adjust to change, your
old fear of being inadequate and not being able to “get
it right” comes up.
Let’s look at this core
issue, loss of control, more closely. Where does
it comes from and what can you do about it in your
current relationships.
Some of the thinking
goes like this and it doesn’t matter whether you’re at
home, at work, with friends or family members the
feeling of loss of control is the same. If there
is a change of plans, if an appointment gets cancelled,
if a meeting at work gets changed-when you were all
ready for it, if you’re in the middle of a phone
conversation and you get cut off, or your struggling in
an argument with your spouse/boyfriend—and if you are an
adult child of an alcoholic—there is usually a strong
reaction. Have you ever left as my friend did, or
do you fall apart, freeze up, become angry, or feel
paranoid?
Do you think someone is doing this to
you on purpose? Do you vow to yourself that nobody
is going to get away with doing this to you? Or
perhaps you ask yourself, “Why can’t things just go
smoothly?”
A better question might be to ask
is: Why am I having this reaction? What is going on
with me?
Let’s explore these questions.
These intense feelings and overreactions are because of
your history. The feelings bubble up because of
the pain from the past—a pain created from growing up
with uncertainty and unpredictability, broken promises,
disappointments, arguments and fighting between your
parents, and punishments that never fit the ‘crime.’
There were many things you could not control.
And that lack of control left helpless, scared and
having to make the best of things. And you were
just a child. You weren’t in charge. But you still
tried to control things so you could feel safe.
So what can you do about it when the pain of the past is
affecting you in the present? You know you can’t
change the past. What are your options?
Knowing your past and understanding how it affects your
reactions today can and do make a difference. They give
you choices and the opportunity to change.
Yes, I know change is hard. But look at the
possibilities. You will be in charge of your
reactions instead of letting other’s determine your
responses.
What are some things you could do
until you become more comfortable with change? You could
start with small things while you get used to change.
Like driving to work a different way or having a bowl of
soup for lunch instead of the usual cheese sandwich.
Can you make some changes just so you get used
to doing things differently? What routines could you
change to become more flexible? Instead of
expectations, could you just be present in the moment
and see what happens?
Make a game of it, have
some fun with it and see how many things you can do
differently. If it feels uncomfortable—explore why
that is. What else can you ease up on?
Remember, you are making these changes so you can feel
more relaxed—less tense. You are making these changes so
you will be in charge of your responses instead of
reacting to situations.
And remember today
there is hope. In spite of what you grew up with
and how you adapted to it and used it to feel safe,
today you have choices. You and only you can make
a difference in how you respond.
You can
rewrite what you want your life to look like today.
There are 3 A’s that are helpful when you make
change--Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
Awareness—your history has left you with wanting to
control, Acceptance—of the reality of what you grew up
with (this does not mean you condone it) and Action—you
now have a choice as to what you can begin to do to have
the kind of relationships you want.
Making
different choices and being willing to change—gives you
freedom from your past. Someone once said, “It’s
like I’ve put on a new pair of glasses, and I get a
chance to see my past and present from a new
perspective.”
It is up to you. You deserve to
have the life you want!
If you want help in
making some of these changes, I am here to help.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking
new landscapes, but in having new eyes. Marcel
Proust
COA is Children of
Alcoholics
ACOA is Adult Child of Alcoholics
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Visit Sheila's website
www.empoweringacoa.com [or copy/paste
this into your browser www.empoweringacoa.com]
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