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Relationships—Expectations
What happens when you have
expectations in your relationships?
Of course in healthy relationships the needs are
spelled out, discussed and agreed upon.
But what happens in relationships where you grew
up with alcoholism, where things were not so clear or
needs were discouraged or looked upon as being selfish?
Sometimes having expectations, we
assume and make an ass/u/me both!
Or we have unrealistic expectations, and we end
up disappointed, hurt and confused.
Growing up you may have had your
basic needs met—shelter, food, clothing, etc. but what
about your need to be heard, valued and accepted just as
you are?
Most of you don’t give this much thought, until you are
struggling with adult relationships and not realizing
much of what you grew up influence your current
relationships.
In a Relationship class I was
teaching, a young bride-to-be shared she had a perfect
relationship with her fiancé who would be meeting all
her needs.
This provided a lively discussion.
Some thought, you needed a variety of people to
meet your needs; some thought, if you really loved me
you would know what my needs are without having to ask;
some thought if I do something for them, they will
reciprocate; some weren’t sure what their needs were.
And growing up with alcoholism some thought they
just never seemed to get it right, blaming themselves
because they thought they should know what other’s needs
were without being told.
Some learned to manipulate and/or control to get
their needs met; or they may have heard they were
“selfish” to be asking to have their needs met.
You may be still looking for those
needs to be met, that weren’t met when you were growing
up—it may be at work, with friends, your spouse or
children, without realizing you’re doing this. You may
be thinking you just haven’t met the right person, have
the best job, etc. or you can’t seem to understand why
people don’t treat you the way you would like, when you
try so hard to please them or do for them.
These old behavior patterns helped
you to adjust to the chaos in your family of origin. It
helped you to meet other’s expectations of you, and
create some balance in your life.
When these old patterns appear in your current
relationships it may create conflict or
misunderstandings. And
now, you have the opportunity to explore new ways of
having healthy relationships if you create new ways to
have the relationship you want.
Martha Beck said,
growing up and claiming our own lives is partially a
process of listening to our own voices and
distinguishing them from the crowd inside us, especially
when the internal committee is a group of addicts.
And that
committee is
still present in your current relationships
until you
examine how you may be repeating what you grew up with
and not realize it.
Begin by asking
yourself—are you trying to meet other’s expectations of
you or are you looking outside of yourself for
validation, even though, no matter how much you get,
it’s never enough? Ask
yourself if these expectations are realistic, healthy
and doable?
You can begin
to give validation to yourself, it is the only way it
will ever be enough.
You can’t go back and get this validation from
your parents.
Either they didn’t know how to give it to you or
their addiction stood/stands in the way.
Are these old
patterns keeping you from being the person you want to
be? Are you ready to break away from these old
behaviors? Today
you have a choice—keep doing the same old thing over and
over and expecting different results. Realizing it takes
many people to get your needs met is like the old
cliché, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
Some of these needs you can meet yourself, or
your Higher Power/the universe can meet some, your
spouse/mate, friendships, work, play, etc.
Explore what works.
It begins with
you!
To have healthy relationship—it will start with
you. This sounds
simplistic but it is true.
You have to love yourself—before you can love
anyone else.
The old adage, “Love your neighbor as
yourself”—most of us didn’t hear
as yourself.
Some may have been taught “putting yourself
first, is selfish.”
Well, it isn’t.
Back to our lively discussion—most
of the people in the Relationship group came to see how
old patterns did influence their current relationships
and with this awareness they could begin to make
different choices. Deciding
to take responsibility for getting their needs met,
by finding new
ways to be authentic, and being true to themselves—they
could let go of the old ways and choose to have the kind
of relationships they wanted.
Being responsible and accountable to themselves
became their mantra.
Sure this takes work, but they decided they were
worth it!
As you learn to acknowledge your
needs and assess how to get them met in a healthy way
you will begin to enjoy your relationships.
No one can do this work for you—it is up to you.
You deserve to have the relationships that work
for you. Go for
it!
When we react to
life from the head without joining forces with the
heart, it can lead us into childish, inelegant behavior
that we don’t respect in ourselves.
If we get the head in sync with the heart first,
we have the power of their teamwork working for us and
we can make the changes we know we need to make.
Doc Childre &
Howard Martin
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Visit Sheila's website
www.empoweringacoa.com [or copy/paste
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