When Will Dad Be There For Me?

In a recent conversation with a client who was sad and upset as she shared with me about a recent visit with her niece (her sister’s daughter) Yvonne.  Yvonne had shared with her how hard it was now that Dad was sober in AA for quite awhile—he still wasn’t there for her.  Yvonne had thought everything would be wonderful now that Dad no longer drank but things we’re not that different even though he no longer used alcohol.  My client  listened, but didn’t know how to help her niece.  
 
Literature states that “Parents aren’t available when they are active in their addiction, and don’t admit their children have needs or they could not meet their needs.”  Children of Alcoholics were raised in a home of denial—but no one knew that.
 
Therapist Tian Dayton asks the question, what happens to the rest of the family when Dad goes into treatment?  Before there was a Family Program the family sat “dazed and stunned” and thinking the problem would be solved now that Dad was “fixed” from treatment.
 
We know today the family needs as much help as Dad.  Living with the uncertainty and unpredictability of alcoholism—no one escapes the effects of alcoholism!  This puts a strain and burden on the spouse and children.  There is a loss of faith and trust.  It affects self-honesty, genuineness as well as clarity of mind and heart. It affects the total person.
 
What’s so great about The Family Program is it gives families the opportunity to see the alcohol problem from a new perspective—as a disease, not a badness.  Dad didn’t realize he had a disease, he didn’t realize the harm he caused the family and the family didn’t know the disease had affected them too.  We call it a Family Disease because it affects everyone.  Just as a mobile, with one touch throws the mobile off balance—a similar process affects the family—throwing it off balance.  The mobile (family) slows down and finds its balance again—to a new normal.  Everyone adapts to the new normal—Mom, Dad, and children adapt to the change with added resentment, anger, confusion, disappointment and hurt feelings, but thinking things will somehow be different this time.
 
It is understandable that Yvonne is looking for Dad to be there for her—now, after all, he is not drinking and going to AA.  It is great she shared this with her aunt as now some options are available to her.  She may go to Al-Anon/Alateen where she will find others that have lived with alcoholism and will understand her story.  She may also talk to Dad about wanting him to be more a part of her life and what that might look like.
 
The point of writing this story was to share the hope for all that have been touched by someone’s drinking and how your life can be different in spite of what you grew up with if you are willing to make changes for yourself and to be willing to get on with your life.
 
 
I recently read “a recipe for hope” called:
 
Even though…
My parents weren’t available to me, I can be.
My parents couldn’t admit that I had needs, I can.
My parents were in denial, I don’t have to be.
My parents couldn’t meet my needs, I am learning to.
My parents couldn’t say “I love you” when they weren’t drinking, I can say I love you.
My parents used alcohol to hide their feelings, I can admit that I have feelings and feel them.
 
I have needs, desires, and worth.  I will shut off that phony smile or that phony anger that has been used for so long to keep others away.  I will open my eyes and ears to hear the world say “Hello!”  I am learning that I can sit quietly and listen and be afraid without losing myself.
 
(From the Adult Children Educational Foundation Computer Bulletin Board)
 
And so to all the Yvonne’s out there—as much as you want Dad to be a part of your life. and hopefully with continued recovery he will be—I want you to know it is possible to get your needs met by following some of the above suggestions.
 
Sending you my best,
Sheila

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