ALCOHOLISM: A FAMILY ILLNESS
Try as they might, families can’t control the alcoholic’s drinking.
The only thing they can control is how it affects their own lives.
By Sheila Leskinen

In the November issue of Alaska Wellness I wrote about The Disease Concept of Alcoholism—I said alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I would add insidious—especially for the family. They are unaware of the fact they’ve become entrapped by this “sneaky disease.” Because of the strong emotional ties--family members are especially affected. The feelings, thoughts, and actions of everyone in the family are being controlled by the alcoholic’s drinking.

Out of love--family members will use “home remedies” to try and fix the problem. Some family members “enable” and protect the alcoholic by making excuses for them, rescuing them, taking care of them, or by sharing the alcoholic’s denial and buying into their delusions. They may “walk on eggshells,” avoid the situation by withdrawing or refusing to talk about it, or become frustrated or filled with anger. In trying to cope with the illness, families become adept at rationalization and denial regarding their own attitudes, feelings, and behavior. They become so preoccupied with trying to control the alcoholic, they loose perspective on their own lives. They get on a self-perpetuating treadmill as they continue to use these behavior patterns and become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

There are certain human needs that are usually met in “normal” personal relationships: to love and be loved, to be needed and accepted, to have security and a sense of accomplishment, to feel worthwhile, and to have a purpose in life. When alcoholism develops in one member of the family, there is little chance of these needs being met. As the disease progresses, needs become more and more unfulfilled. Negative feelings develop and grow and communications break down. Relationships become distorted very slowly and imperceptibly until no one in the family has a healthy sense of themselves..

As alcoholism continues its course, the daily stresses and uncertainties experienced by the family members—the worry, dread, fear and anger—so distort their reasoning powers that most of their reactions are emotional and often destructive. The pressure from constant emergency living is formidable and a feeling of doom hangs over their heads. Generally, there is good cause for anxiety, apprehension, and anger over the continual crises. A period of calm, easy living, which might allow for even a little objectivity, is very rare. While the alcoholic is anesthetized from much of the pain of the daily problems, the family members are not. They usually experience the alcoholic’s suffering as well as their own. They resent this, but do not know how to avoid it.

Sometimes family members blame themselves for the drinking--“If only I was a better person” or “If only I got better grades.” They become fearful of the unpredictable consequences of drinking—the mood swings, anger, tension, and sometimes even violence. They may fear the family will break up. There is disappointment, isolation, embarrassment, and a growing resentment as the disease places more and more unfair demands on the family—their anger and resentment grows.

The family is puzzled by the alcoholic blackouts, which are temporary losses of memory. The alcoholic will clearly be unable to recall some things he/she has said and done and may strongly deny that they happened. The family members may argue about what really occurred but they will also seriously question whether they themselves are in touch with reality. They may begin to develop an ominous fear about their own sanity.

Reaching out to family and friends often upsets and confuses the family members even more—because of society’s misguided myths and prevailing attitudes about alcoholism. In fact, some will even blame the family for the drinking.

Try as they might families can’t control the alcoholic’s drinking—the only thing they can control is how it affects their own lives. There are three things family members need to do in order to resolve this problem. First they need to learn about alcoholism and develop a better understanding of how to deal with it more effectively. Second, they need to realize it is not their fault—they can’t cause, cure, or control the drinking but they can contribute to the problem if they continue the enabling, protective behavior. And three, family members need to get their own support and guidance from people who understand the problem. As family members begin to free themselves from the affects of the alcoholic’s drinking, they can begin to make progress toward a normal existence for themselves.

Fortunately there are excellent sources of help available to anyone touched by alcoholism. In addition to professional help, the self-help groups Al-Anon and Alateen bring hope to families and friends of alcoholics. Family members who become active in these groups find emotional and spiritual support as they learn about alcoholism. As family members effect changes in themselves, things will get better for them—and the resulting atmosphere can be conducive to recovery for the alcoholic as well.

Visit Sheila's website www.empoweringacoa.com   [or copy/paste this into your browser www.empoweringacoa.com]

Sheila Leskinen M.S. L.M.F.T., is a Life Coach living in Washington, with a specialty in families with addictions. The original story was in Alaska Wellness…Quality of Life magazine.