A Newsletter for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Approval & Affirmation

When a question or an opinion is asked for do you sometimes scan the room to see how other’s react or answer before you do? This is often times happens to adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs). One of the characteristics Janet Woititz talks about in Adult Children of Alcoholics is: Adult Children of Alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

When a child is born, the environment pretty much dictates how that child is going to feel about themselves. Although other people influence the child—church, school, friends—the family or significant people in the child’s life have the most influence. The messages you received were usually mixed, inconsistent and mostly dependent upon the parent’s mood. Most children would try to figure out how to “get it right” (“if I just said or did the right thing”), so they could get their parent’s approval and affirmation. The child’s needs become dependent on the approval of others, in order to feel acceptable. The end result is a reliance on others, a need for external validation, rather than the kind of validation that comes from within, from a secure sense of self.

ACOA’s continue to look for that approval and affirmation in their adult lives—in personal relationships, at work and with their parents—well, pretty much from everyone. It is difficult for ACOA’s to accept compliments—thinking—“what does this person want from me?” or “If they really knew me, would they still like me?” Adult children didn’t learn to trust themselves because they didn’t get the needed approval and affirming consistently while growing up, so trust in themselves was never established.

As an adult when support and encouragement is offered it is difficult to accept and utilize. When a compliment is offered it is hard to accept with a simple thank you. What the ACOA is thinking, "Oh, this old thing, I bought at the second hand store” or the boss complimenting on a job well done—may be interpreted as “anyone could have done that.” Yet, at work the need for approval when you’ve done an exceptional report, etc.—if not forthcoming—you may say to yourself—“see it wasn’t good enough and if you do receive a compliment it may have made you feel so good—you went looking for more and more and more.

You may be wondering is it possible to change this characteristic that has become so much a part of who you are? It’s an inside job and only you can do it—no one or nothing outside yourself can do it. You can never go back to your childhood and get the approval and affirmation you wished you would have received as a child.

One of the things you could do at the end of each day is to reflect on all you have done well—I got out of bed, I ate a healthy breakfast, I made it to work on time, my reports/papers were done early and handed in, I took time to go to the gym, I made a phone call that I had been putting off, etc., then give yourself credit! This is called nurturing (approval and affirmation). The nurturing you didn’t receive as a child, you can now give to yourself.

You can continue to build your confidence by trying something new—don’t panic—you can practice for that interview, you can follow through on that new activity you’ve wanted to do. Not all attempts will be successful—that’s OK, try something else. Take it a day at a time-a step at a time; slowly you will begin to feel more confident. As you begin to trust yourself and others, you will realize you have choices. You are building an internal strength. Remember I said it was an “inside job.” This is something others cannot take away from you by trying to diminish you. A compliment will not only feel good but can be the “frosting on the cake” so to speak. You won’t need that compliment to feel good about yourself because you already will. You will become more dependent on what you think of yourself rather then what other’s think of you. You can now choose who to trust and how you will use their information.

Also, using positive self-talk, you continue to affirm and approve of yourself. Our minds are usually running on anyhow and you can replace negative thoughts with uplifting ones.

Another person from a non-alcoholic home, but a high stress home said she uses the support and encouragement from others as "good energy” to accomplish more. As you spend more time in the present--instead of the past or future-- you can appreciate your own successes. When you don’t feel successful--you can try something else. As a child you didn’t have choices, and remember now, you do have choices!

A quote from Melody Beattie: “Today I will empower the good in myself, others, and life. I’m willing to release, or let go of, negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones. I will choose what I want to affirm, and I will make it good.”

Next time we will talk about how seeking approval and affirmation plays out in personal relationships and the work place.

Remember, Clarity & Choice to Move Into the Future.