A Newsletter for Adult Children of Alcoholics

What Are Boundaries?

Have you ever met someone that can’t say no? Or people that don’t know when they’ve stepped on someone’s toes or don’t know how not to let others step on theirs? Or people that tend to take on other people’s feelings, thoughts and behaviors, thinking it is caring and yet may not realize they are not responsible for others only to others.

Are you a pushover? At work they may ask “will you cover for me—I need to do ____. Oh you’re such a dear.” Or, how about the supervisor who asks you to work late or on the weekend—on a regular basis, not just in an emergency. (You may be thinking if I say no, I may loose my job.) And how about the mother-of-the-bride that wants to plan her daughter’s wedding. Or some people who talk non-stop—and you can’t get a word in edgewise. Then, there are the silent or angry ones that control how near or far a person may come to them.

I’m talking about boundaries. What are boundaries???? Most of us have heard of boundaries or borders in regards to cities, states, countries—but boundaries around yourselves—much like a bubble. The bubble or boundary is a space of 15-30 inches around you--where you feel comfortable. These boundaries are physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. When someone enters your “space” and you sense an uncomfortable feeling—it may be they’re entering your space without your permission. . It could be a friend, a co-worker, your spouse, your boss, a sales person, anyone—it is up to you to recognize this feeling, acknowledge it, and take responsibility for taking care of yourself.. Being able to say : No, I will not be able to work on the weekend, No, I don’t let other’s borrow my car, No, I will not be able to baby sit this time, Stop that, or I’m not comfortable with that, etc. Also, boundaries include not taking responsibility for another’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. This means, I don’t have to take those into my space/bubble in less I choose to. Many of you did not realize you were doing this, or that you had a choice in these situations. You can’t have a fulfilling life without boundaries. You need to know where you begin and end and where the other person begins and ends. Then you can understand and appreciate your separateness.

Once you become aware it is your responsibility to have boundaries—it can feel scary but also freeing to realize you only have to be responsible for yourself and to others. Wow, you have choices. As you begin to make these changes people may get upset with you and say “I like the old you better”-- meaning I can no longer manipulate or control you. You can let them know you are taking care of yourself, learning your limits of what is best for you. If they continue to be upset or angry with you—it is their issue not yours. It can become your issue if you react.

As these boundaries become clear and strong your relationships will become healthier and more satisfying. No one can do this work for you—the responsibility lies within you. There may be some fears and uncertainty as you make these changes. You may feel vulnerable but realize you have your protective “bubble” around you. You can choose who, when, and what you let in. This may be new behavior and unfamiliar—it takes time to become comfortable with the new you. Begin by taking small steps, start with the least scary situation – returning an item to the store (rather than to keep it and say nothing) or say no to the next person that asks a favor you really don’t want to do. Or if someone is speaking rudely to you—let them know it is not OK to speak to you that way.

As you make these boundary changes people may try to push the “guilt button”—“After all I’ve done for you,” “If you really loved me you would do such & such for me,” “All you ever think about is yourself” etc. You don’t have to take the guilt on—that allows the person to control you. Instead, don’t react—take a step back—breathe—you can be proactive, even empathetic. For instance: I know you don’t like this and I can understand you’re upset and I need to take care of myself now.

As you develop the skill of having boundaries you will grow to love the independence this skill provides. You don’t have to allow other’s reactions/control to influence your decision to take care of yourself.

Having boundaries is a way of taking care of you. Melody Beattie says “if something or somebody is pushing us to our limits—we can be grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set our boundaries.”

Excerpts from:
The Language of Letting Go-Melody Beattie
Boundaries-Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Facing Codependence-Pia Mellody
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook-Janet Woititz