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Family Roles
Clients ask me “Why is it, when I get around my family
of origin I feel like a kid again, and not in a playful
way. I seem to loose myself and feel like I’m 10 years
old again. It’s as if I shrink when I walk through the
door of my family home or interact with my siblings or
my parents. I’m a grown up, this shouldn’t be
happening.” What my client is describing is typical of
what happens in homes where children grow up with
addiction* and the how they compensated was to adapt by
trying to be perfect, people pleasing, antagonizing,
care taking, comforter, being super responsible or a
trouble maker.
Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, a therapist who has worked
with ACOAs for many years, noticed the children she was
seeing seemed to have certain characteristics depending
upon the role they played within their family. In her
book Another Chance Wegscheider-Cruise said these roles
happen subconsciously and the family member is likely to
deny vigorously that they exist. Playing the roles
prevents the person from being honest with themselves or
others. In the addicted family frank discussion is
against the rules.
(The family rule is don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t
feel.”)
What happens in the addicted home is the rules become
rigid and inhuman as family life revolves around the
addicted person. Often times the rules are unrealistic
and difficult to keep, unknowingly encouraging
dishonesty and manipulation to avoid rejection or
punishment, and discourage change as it may “rock the
boat”—versus rules that are human—respect for all,
flexible rules, clear boundaries, limits, rules that
benefit everyone, teaching a value system, and
structure. The family members are appreciated for who
they are and taken just the way they are. With the
inconsistency and unpredictable behaviors that happen in
an addicted family, children’s physical and emotional
needs are not met on a regular basis.
These roles are taken on to compensate for children not
getting their needs met do to the rigid family rule
system. In the early stage of addiction the family is
more functional and as the disease progresses the roles
& rules become more rigid. The illness is insidious and
the family is not aware all of them are becoming
affected.
Wegscheider-Cruse named these roles: Family Hero,
Scapegoat, Lost Child, and Family Mascot. The oldest
child often takes on the role of the Family Hero: super
responsible, special, works hard for approval,
successful, and high achiever. This child provides
moments of hope and pride and a sense of worth to the
family. The second child often times becomes the Family
Scapegoat—acting out what can’t be talked about, may get
into alcohol and other drugs, becoming pregnant or
getting someone pregnant, defiant, and strong peer
value. This child provides distraction from the
addiction problem. The third child is the Lost Child:
shy, quiet, withdrawn, adjusts to what is, super
independent, aloof, and may sooth her/him self with
food. This child brings relief to the family because
she/he doesn’t want to make waves. The youngest child is
called the Family Mascot: using humor to placate the
underfunctioning family and will do anything to get
attention, may be hyper active, clowns around, super
cute and fragile. This child brings humor to the family.
All of these children experience loneliness, hurt,
rejection, confusion, inadequacy, anger, and fear.
Wegscheider-Cruse says these roles occur in all troubled
families, even occasionally in healthy families in times
of stress. But in alcoholic families the roles are more
rigidly fixed and are played with greater intensity,
compulsion, and delusion. Which role is played by which
person is more related to his position in the family
than to personality factors.
These roles can vary--sometimes it is the second child
that takes on the hero role or when the oldest leaves
home the next in line may take that role. Only children
may take on all four roles or with five years in between
children, they may have more than one family hero. As
the children grow up and leave home they believe they
are leaving the roles and chaos behind but the roles
show up in adult relationships as—enabling, excessive
caretaking, becoming addicted or marrying addicted
persons, controlling, martyrdom, “drama king/queen,”
aloofness, or perfectionism.
Similar roles are discussed in Kevin Leman’s book The
Birth Order Book. He says there are traits we take on
whether we are first born, middle children or the
youngest. First borns: perfectionist, reliable,
conscientious, list makers, well organized, hard
driving, natural leader, critical, serious, scholarly,
logical, doesn’t like surprises, loves computers; Middle
child: mediator, compromising, diplomatic, avoids
conflict, independent, loyal to peers, many friend a
maverick, secretive, unspoiled; Last borns:
manipulative, charming, attention seeker, tenacious,
people person, natural salesperson, precocious,
engaging, affectionate, loves surprises and if your are
an Only child: little adult by age seven, very thorough;
deliberate; high achiever, self motivated; fearful;
cautious; voracious reader; black and white thinker;
uses “very,” “extremely,” “exactly,” a lot, can’t bear
to fail; has very high expectations for self, more
comfortable with people who are older or younger. Of
course we may find we are a combination of some of the
traits depending on parenting, environment, spacing, the
sex of each child as well as physical, mental, or
emotional differences—even genes make a difference. The
biggest difference in addicted families the members get
“trapped” in their roles and may not grow out of them
until they learn about the family illness.
Also, there are many positive traits that come from
growing up in an addicted home. These traits are: Family
Hero: attentive, focused, responsible, organized, has
leadership qualities, loyal and is good at motivating
themselves and others. The Scapegoat: has lots of
friends, adapts easily, leads an exciting way of life,
risk taker, and fun loving. The Lost Child: creative,
well-read, spiritually developed, resourceful, can work
independently, non-conformist, a good listener, and
observer. The Family Mascot: sense of humor, charming,
joyful, keeps the peace, playful, active, and eases
family tension.
When you look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics
Characteristics you can see how these roles play out in
one’s adult life. So back to the beginning of this
story; my client wanted to improve her relationships.
Information and awareness is the start of making these
changes—then support, a new perspective and choices will
allow this client to have the relationships she wants.
What are some things you would like - to make a
difference in your life? It’s never too late to have a
happy adulthood. You deserve it!
*Addiction includes alcoholism, and other addictive
drugs and behaviors.
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