Can ACOA’s successfully let go of
the shame they grew up with? Newsletter for ACOA’s
The answer is yes, yes, yes if you are willing to
take control of your life 100%. You are not
responsible for the life you were born into or the
family or the circumstances—you are only
responsible for what you decide to do with your life
today, for which you are 100% responsible.
Many children grow up not being able to express their
feelings of guilt, anger, fear, and
embarrassment—experience shame. “I shouldn’t feel this
way”—the self-talk goes over and over in our minds.
Shame sends us the message—I am bad, I’ll never be
enough no matter how well I do, it is never enough. The
feeling of shame starts when we are little. Living with
rules—such as Subby’s list in the last Newsletter on
Family Rules. Love is measured on performance and living
up to the rules whether spoken or unspoken.
The feelings of shame come from “put downs” “the don’t
talk rule,” abuse, or feeling uncared for.
We may find in our adult life we give ourselves these
same messages. These thoughts and beliefs are how we
evaluate ourselves. Our feelings are based on those
thoughts. The thoughts are myths about ourselves—they
are distortions of reality. We need to question these
beliefs about ourselves. Are these really true? We can
evaluate and examine these beliefs and expectations. We
stop berating ourselves and accept ourselves as
worthwhile, capable and vibrant human beings that
deserve to be treated with regard and dignity.
A simple way to explore these beliefs is using Albert
Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). This process
will help you to identify and change your thoughts,
feelings and behavior. Get out your paper and pencil and
begin.
- The event: Think of a recent event that you
associate with feelings of shame and write about it.
Describe just the facts. Avoid assumptions or
impressions.
- Inventory: Write an inventory of the thoughts
that triggered and reinforce your feelings, such as
negative self-evaluations, shame-based logic,
unrealistic demands, negative exaggerations, and
excuses.
- Feelings: Now list the feelings that your
thoughts (identified in B) triggered. Remember,
feelings are mind-body sensations—they’re different
from thoughts. Urges, list the urge or behavior that
goes along with the feelings you described.
- Questioning our shame-based logic: Question the
unrealistic demands, negative exaggerations, and
excuses stated in B. As you identify them, write
them down. “Talk back” to yourself; change your
negative self-evaluations to a more neutral
objective viewpoint.
- Preferences or goals: What are your personal
preferences for the situation—that is, what you
would like to have happen? Develop goals that allow
you to lead a more productive, happy life.
- Actions I could take: List all the actions you
can take in order to reach your goal. Write out
constructive actions—positive behaviors—you can take
instead of the self-defeating patterns from the
past.
Using this process you can ease your discomfort
and see choices to old patterns of self defeating
behavior. It may feel awkward at first as with any
new behavior. “It’s like putting your coat on the
with opposite arm first.” You have to get used to
new behavior.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have
fallen into shame’s trap. If I get hooked into shame
I will get myself out by accepting myself and
affirming that it’s OK to be who I am. Melody
Beattie
From:
Albert Ellis: Shame, Discover Your Personal Power to
Change
Melody Beattie: The Language of Letting Go
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